Losing my identity

So I am slowly starting to lose my identity. And honestly, this is a good thing.

Say whaaat? Let me explain.

For many years, I was "the angry girl". I am pretty sure it started off just as a defence mechanism, carefully constructed so I could survive high school. And it was successful in achieving this. Basically, I would respond to my detractors - some bullies (including some teachers) but also I am guessing a few kids who may have been genuinely nice but who I hastily assessed as being hostile - with bitchy, acerbic comebacks. And to avoid them bothering me at all, I took on a generally a moody/ angry disposition. I had some friends, but even they were kept at a bit of a distance and treated them with suspicion - because I never fully believed that they actually liked me. I figured I must have served some secondary purpose for their own high school survival. And that was fine by me.

High school can be a tough time. And just getting out the other end in one piece is a sign of success. But, unfortunately, I started to forget that I had created this identity (angry, sarcastic, depressed, dark etc etc) and it became a big part of who I thought I was.

Me as a teen - getting my angst on!

When bad things happened in my life, it reinforced my negative outlook and my general distrust of people. When good - even great! - things happened to me, whether in my relationships, study, work or whatever, I always assumed they were flukes and they were temporary.  I actually believed if too many good things were happening, then something really bad was coming just around the corner. So I could never enjoy the good. It just made me feel even more uneasy and anxious about my life.

As weird as it might seem, I wanted to stay feeling this way. I wanted to feel sad, depressed, angry or dissatisfied. This was what felt comfortable and familiar. Even though it wasn't serving me, I always found ways to bring me back to the same place.

While this might have been familiar and comfortable for me, as I am sure you can imagine, it was not a happy way to live a life! But I told myself, and everyone else that is just who I am. And so I continued.

Until I finally I had enough. I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Or anxious. Or bitchy. I wanted to be happy, damn it!!!

To begin with, I searched for happiness in the usual ways - looking for quick-fixes through self-help books, food, excessive exercising, buying shiny things, searching for "success" at work. But the problem with quick-fixes is that their effects are quick too - they never created a permanent state of happiness and always lead me to searching for something more. And always searching outside of myself.

I was lucky enough to find my way to yoga while sifting through all of these happiness solutions. I originally looked to it as a form of exercise that was kinder to my body than the abuse I had been putting it through at the gym. It also happened to make me feel better too. Pretty soon it was the only kind of exercising I was doing. Taking all these yoga classes, I saw all these beautiful, blissed-out yogis teaching all my classes and I wanted some of what they had. I wanted to be a blissful, glowy yogi too!  So I decided to go further with my yoga practice - to start understanding and applying the more spiritual aspects rather than just the physical.

Me on yoga - all the happy!

And this is when real change started to happen. When I started setting aside some of my attachments to who I thought I was -  the stories I told myself and the world to explain why my life was so hard - I was nervous that I would lose who I *really* was. Which I thought was the sad girl that I had become so comfortable being. But instead of losing an essential part of myself (which is what I had convinced myself all this misery and anger was), I started to look at where this identity had come from. And I began to realise that none of it was my true nature - these parts of my personality were all external to who I really am. Through yoga - especially meditation - I was able start seeing things as they actually are, not how I had just always assumed they are.

This is the real magic, and arguably the purpose, of yoga: self-realisation through looking inward - not to those things that are external to us - and, ultimately, attaining an infinite state of peace.

Obviously, I have a long way to go on this path. I am only just beginning to move away from identifying myself with my limitations and from trying to find happiness through external means. But I am already noticing positive shifts. I am calmer. I am able to deal with change without as much anxiety. I don't obsess over the negatives and dismiss the positives.

Things are looking up, and my journey has only just begun!!

Namaste xox

Up for the challenge?

Have you seen this great TED Talk by Matt Cuts where he asks us to try something new for 30 days?

The idea of committing to something for a month - whether it be growing a moustache or not drinking - is not exactly new. But watching this talk really inspired me.

I always have these grand - and some not so grand - plans in my head: things I have always wanted to do, habits I have wanted to break, routines that I have wanted to start. There are always so many of them, though, that I often feel too overwhelmed and end up doing none of them. Or if I do start them, I do it in a half-arsed way.

That is why this talk makes so much sense. You just pick one thing and then you commit yourself to it for the next 30 days. And then the next month, you can choose something different.

The great thing about 30 days is it is short enough not to intimidate, but it is long enough to start making a real change in your life. (Or, if it doesn't work out, you haven't really wasted that much time either.)

So how transformative can one month be?

Well, it was because of a 30 day challenge that I set myself 2 years ago that I was able to make the shift from vegetarian to vegan. I had made a couple of previous attempts at going vegan. Each time I started, I assumed it was the beginning of a life-long change. And I would go ok for a week or so, but then something would come up - I would be at an event where I had forgotten to tell people I my dietary requirements, or I was eating out with friends and there weren't any vegan options on the menu (I now know better than to just rely on menus and always ask restaurants what they can do for me or I ask them to change an existing vegetarian meal by ditching the cheese). Whatever it was, it suddenly all seemed to hard, I would start making exceptions (only when I eat out) or excuses (it is just too hard) and then I would be back to where I began.

But, when I decided in 2011 that I would eat only plant-based for the whole of July, there was no need for excuses or exceptions. Because giving up eggs and dairy for 30 days (or 31 in my case) didn't seem like that big of a deal. And because I wasn't stressed about it, I was able to enjoy the experience. I ordered my first ever vegan pizza, found vegan cupcakes and tried vegan chocolate and I also started asking cafes and restaurants to make things vegan for me. And by August, it was done. I was a vegan!

Once you realise that vegan chocolate exists - and is delicious, it isn't so hard.

With today being the first day of spring, I felt inspired to set myself a new challenge. I have decided to make September all about yoga (surprise!). Given that I will be a qualified yoga teacher by the end of October (fingers crossed), I want to put a nice, regular yoga practice into place so that I will have a strong platform to build on when I start teaching.

So, for each day in September I will be doing at least 45 minute asana practice and 10 minutes of meditation. My intention is to wake up earlier to get my practice done before the day even starts. But even if I don't manage that, I will be doing it before I go to bed. Every. Day. For 30 days.

Sadly, I won't be yoga-ing with these views every morning :(

Wish me luck! I will be giving updates on my Facebook page if you want to follow along. And feel free to join in - I would love to hear from others about their successes and experiences!

Namaste xox

How do you like your yoga?

Last month, I headed to Yoga Fest in Brisbane with a bunch of my fellow yogis-in-training - two whole days of yoga and yoga-related goodness!

While there was a pretty amazing variety of stalls selling hot chai, yoga clothes, mala beads, yoga mats and anything else yoga-ish you can think of, the real attraction was the jammed-packed schedule of yoga classes and workshops being held in 5 halls throughout the weekend. Everything from your yoga basics (meditation, pranayama, asana) through to your more specialised and/or out there (I didn't get to find out exactly what "metaphysical flow" involved - but I was certainly curious!) were on offer.

The trouble was, to fit it all into the one weekend, classes ran simultaneously in the 5 halls so it is impossible to go to everything. Plus, there is only so much asana a girl can do so you have to pace yourself!!! So I had to choose which ones sounded the most interesting and that they weren't on at the same time.

Cute yoga things on sale in the market

Given that I didn't know anything about most of classes being offered or the people teaching them, I just kind of went with what sounded the most "me". I am sure I misjudged a lot of the classes - and some of the ones that I thought would be amazing weren't quite what I thought they would be. But the whole experience made me realise that I do actually have a few strong preferences when it comes to how I like my yoga.

1. Nothing too hippy
Maybe it is because I grew up near Byron Bay - but if yoga is taught in a way that is too spacey or hippy, I am probably not going to like it. I have nothing against hippies personally - I am just not that into it myself. So if a class starts to fill with patchouli, dreads and fisherman's pants, I start to get very nervous.

This is not to say that I want yoga that is devoid of any spirituality. But I have my limits. And it usually starts with instructions to "waken my inner-godess" or to "feel myself expanding beyond the boundaries of my body". Just - no.

2. It has to actually be yoga
There are plenty of styles of yoga out there and I think that is totally cool. I am not a hatha purist who thinks we can't play with or slightly outside of the traditional asana practice.

But, that said, I am not keen on the yoga-hybrids - yoga-lates, barre, nia, sacred dancing, bikram... No. Noooo. And I don't want to try out Bollywood dancing either.

Hatha, vinyasa, yin, power, iyengar, kundalini, ashtanga - so long as it is still an actual yoga class, I will find something good in it.

Me and my mat, ready to go!

3. Nothing beyond "Om"
I love the sound of "om" being chanted by a room full of people all in the same zone. Maybe, now and then, it can be cool to throw in a few "shanti"s at the end too. But I don't see the point in sitting in class and trying to follow more complicated chants that I will pronounce incorrectly (if at all) that I don't understand in any event. I don't find it enlightening - if anything I find it embarrassing.

I am also kinda creeped out at the thought of sitting in a room full of people chanting with their eyes closed and that blissed-out look on their face. It is probably related to number 1 above.

So any classes with the words "chanting", "singing", "mantra" or *shudder* "kirtan" (which is the sanskrit name for call-and-response chanting) will not be on my hit list.

4. Music is a-ok
I know a lot of people don't like any music to be played while they are getting their asana on. Or maybe they only like the sounds of Tibetan bowls and throat singing. But I don't mind it. So long as it has been carefully selected so that it enhances rather than distracts from the class, I think it can really make the experience something special.

My favourite at Yoga Fest was a class called "Reggae Yoga" which was exactly that - a gorgeous vinyasa class taught to slow, groovy reggae tunes. Something about yoga and reggae makes me feel like I am chilling on a beach somewhere, even though I was actually just in a hall in Brisbane in winter with drizzly rain outside.

5. Celebrity teachers aren't necessary
Sure, it is kind of a buzz to be taught by a teacher that you have already heard so much about, whose articles you've read and photos you've seen in Yoga Journal magazine. But you can have just as good an experience by checking out a teacher you've never heard of but that is maybe trying something a little different. It might even be better!

I passed up on one of the more famous "yoga-lebrities" at the festival to go to something I had never heard of before and with a teacher I had never heard of - and I can't imagine that it could have been any better. Maybe it is because the big names don't need to try so hard. Maybe it is because their classes are so popular that they pack out the much bigger hall so you don't really get to feel much of a connection. Whatever it is, sometimes it is worth giving them a miss and giving the unknowns a go.

Life beyond the asana

When most people think of yoga, they are thinking of the physical practice - the asana. While some may question how strenuous it is, it is generally considered to be a type of exercise. And, beyond a few breathing exercises and maybe even a couple of minutes of meditation at the end, this is how mainstream yoga is most often taught.

This has certainly been my experience in yoga classes. Up until recently, I would say that 90% of my yoga practice was dedicated to the physical practice.

Which was cool. I knew that the physical aspect was just one part of yoga - and that there was a lot that I didn't regularly practice or even really know about - but I got so much out of the physical side, that it didn't really bother me.

And no - I am not just talking about being more flexible or slimming down. I found that through my practice, I was calmer, more in control of my emotions, more focused, more energised, more positive, more in tune with what I needed (be it physically or emotionally). All good things that you didn't necessarily get from any other form of exercise.

So I must admit to be somewhat shocked and a little confused when, on the first day of my yoga teacher training, our teacher told us that he didn't really practice asana anymore.

Don't get me wrong - my teacher knows his asana. He has spent decades perfecting poses (I mean, he even used to practice and teach Ashtanga-style yoga, which is a very strong, physical practice). But, as he constantly reminds us in class, doing asana is not yoga - it is just one component of a greater system that is yoga. And it is only a small component at that. And, he has explained, he has reached a point in his yoga practice where generally speaking he doesn't need to practice asana.

But, if it isn't about handstands and backbends like we have all been lead to believe, what is yoga?

Well, at its core it is a system or method through which, if followed and worked at consistently and with dedication, we can reconnect with our true self. Which I know sounds a bit hippy. But basically it is a way of stripping back all of things that we identify with as being part of our "self" - the external possessions and our ideas and thoughts that make up who we "think" we are (i.e. the identity that we have created for ourselves - or let others create for us) so that we just be ourselves. And when we are ourselves, we can be the happy, loving and calm beings that we are all meant to be. Kind of nice, right?

To get to this point though, we need a strong, healthy and balanced body. Which is where doing a regular asana practice comes into it - stretching and strengthening our bodies to bring it into balance and remove any pain or tightness that keep us from feeling physically at ease. But that isn't the end of it. We also need to calm and bring ease to our nervous system, which we can do through regular breathing exercises (pranayama). And we need to bring stillness to our minds, which is achieved through meditation to bring our mind to a single point of focus. And we also need to act in a way that is kind, truthful and compassionate - both in our relationships with others and with ourselves.

When the bigger picture was explained to us in class, what struck me was that the yogic path was kind of where I was heading anyway - I just wasn't aware of it. This is not to say that I have been living this perfect, balanced yogi life up until now. But it is what I strive for - what I thought life should be all about. So all this time I had been thinking that I wasn't being a a proper yogi because I didn't really know what the 8 limbs were about, it turns out that I had been heading in the right direction all along!

But in spite of this revelation, I still can't picture me ever getting to a point where I no longer want or need to do my asana practice. It just brings me so much joy! I love how I feel after I have taken my body through a long and thorough practice. And I feel that it plays an important part in my larger yoga practice - it teaches me discipline and patience, it challenges my ego (especially when I face-plant in the middle of a full class), it makes my body feel strong, my breathing even and my mind alert and calm. And it can be fun! And I am pretty sure there is nothing in the Yoga Sutras that say yoga can't be fun (although, admittedly, I have not read - definitely do not understand - all of the Sutras yet).

So while I am enjoying learning and embracing all the other aspects of yoga, I am not going to be giving up my mat anytime soon.

Namaste!

It's all in your mind

While I would love to say that I have a regular meditation practice going on, this would be a total lie. At best, it could be described as sporadic or maybe occasional.

Incorporating 20 - 30 minutes of meditation into my daily routine has been one of my new year resolutions for god knows how long now. I have done meditation workshops and courses, read books on the subject, used podcasts - but nothing has really managed to ingrain meditation in my life.

But I keep on trying! Because I know that it is possible and I know that it is something worth having.

Regular meditation has many potential benefits, including stress reduction, lower blood pressure, improved sleep, increased concentration, pain management and emotional balance.

And while I am obviously no expert, I thought I would share some of the tips that I have picked up along the way - I'm going to be following them myself as I try to get back into it.

1. Start small and build up over time.  Sure, getting 20-30 minutes of meditation in daily might be best for optimal results. But if you try to demand that your brain sits still for half an hour straight off the bat, you are pretty much guaranteeing that you will fail. It takes time and discipline to get to that stage. So start with just 5 minutes and slowly increase the length over time. 
2. Find a space where you won't be distracted. It is hard enough keeping your mind on your meditation without external distractions getting in the way. Set up somewhere where you are unlikely to be walked in on, turn off your mobile (no, seriously - turn it off!), shut the door and, if there is a lot of street noise, maybe shut the windows too (so long as this won't make you too hot). It doesn't have to be perfect - absolute silence isn't something that is that easy to come by, especially if you live in a city - but the less distractions, the easier it will be for you to focus.
3. Be comfortable. Ok, yes - ideally you want to be sitting cross-legged with the weight evenly distributed through both sitting bones and your spine straight. But while you are getting started, this might be close to impossible. It can actually be quite demanding on your back muscles and your hips to sit still for so long. So maybe start off leaning against a wall or sitting in a chair. Try not to slouch though - you still want to stay as much in alignment as possible so that you can stay focussed. Otherwise, you may as well just hang out on your couch. You can lie down if it is the only way you can be truly comfortable - but you might end up napping instead of meditating which isn't really the point, so sitting up right is really the way to go.
4. Just breathe. There are many different meditation techniques out there but concentrating on your breathing is probably the easiest. Start with a few deep breaths to relax your body. If you still feel tense, mentally scan your body and check in with any spots of tension and consciously relax them. Once you feel settled, breathe naturally and start paying attention to your breath - how it feels when you draw the breath in, the subtle expansion through your stomach and chest and then the contraction as you breathe out. And then - guess what? You are meditating!
5. You don't have to clear your mind. Thoughts are going to come into your mind - that is just natural. The challenge in meditation is to just let them come in without getting caught up in them. Acknowledge whatever comes up, and then just let it go and gently draw your attention back to your breathing. This is going to be hard to do at the start - we are so use to just following whatever little idea pops into our head and then obsessing over it until some other thought pops in and takes over and so on and so on. What you are trying to achieve through meditation is to create space between these thoughts - so you don't just jump from one to the next. To begin with, you might be only able to draw your mind back to your breath for a few moments. But that's ok. The more you practice, the more you will be able to turn away from your thoughts and soon the spaces between will be much longer than the thoughts themselves.
6. Set an alarm. To stop yourself from wondering how long you have been meditating for, or how long you have to go, I suggest setting an alarm. Something nice and not too loud if you can so it doesn't make you jump when it goes off. I usually just use my iPhone and use one of the quieter alarm tones, like birds whistling or bells. Just set it for however long you want to meditate for. Don't be overly ambitious though - if you set it for 30 minutes on your first try, it will seem like forever and you are going to still be distracted by your watch to see how much longer you have to go. An alarm is also handy if there is a chance you could fall asleep. Or if you have somewhere you need to be. It cuts out a clear patch of time for you to commit to your meditation but still allows you to get on with your life. 
7. Keep at it.  It is the same as with anything, if you are going to develop a good meditation practice, you have to keep trying. Maybe do it every morning, when your mind is more likely to be calm and less-occupied. Just 5 - 10 minutes is fine. It is more important that you do it consistently. (Admittedly, this is the bit that I usually fail at but I do seem to do better with it each time I try.)

So I am going to commit to getting back into it starting tomorrow morning. Anyone with me? :)