So I am slowly starting to lose my identity. And honestly, this is a good thing.
Say whaaat? Let me explain.
For many years, I was "the angry girl". I am pretty sure it started off just as a defence mechanism, carefully constructed so I could survive high school. And it was successful in achieving this. Basically, I would respond to my detractors - some bullies (including some teachers) but also I am guessing a few kids who may have been genuinely nice but who I hastily assessed as being hostile - with bitchy, acerbic comebacks. And to avoid them bothering me at all, I took on a generally a moody/ angry disposition. I had some friends, but even they were kept at a bit of a distance and treated them with suspicion - because I never fully believed that they actually liked me. I figured I must have served some secondary purpose for their own high school survival. And that was fine by me.
High school can be a tough time. And just getting out the other end in one piece is a sign of success. But, unfortunately, I started to forget that I had created this identity (angry, sarcastic, depressed, dark etc etc) and it became a big part of who I thought I was.
When bad things happened in my life, it reinforced my negative outlook and my general distrust of people. When good - even great! - things happened to me, whether in my relationships, study, work or whatever, I always assumed they were flukes and they were temporary. I actually believed if too many good things were happening, then something really bad was coming just around the corner. So I could never enjoy the good. It just made me feel even more uneasy and anxious about my life.
As weird as it might seem, I wanted to stay feeling this way. I wanted to feel sad, depressed, angry or dissatisfied. This was what felt comfortable and familiar. Even though it wasn't serving me, I always found ways to bring me back to the same place.
While this might have been familiar and comfortable for me, as I am sure you can imagine, it was not a happy way to live a life! But I told myself, and everyone else that is just who I am. And so I continued.
Until I finally I had enough. I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Or anxious. Or bitchy. I wanted to be happy, damn it!!!
To begin with, I searched for happiness in the usual ways - looking for quick-fixes through self-help books, food, excessive exercising, buying shiny things, searching for "success" at work. But the problem with quick-fixes is that their effects are quick too - they never created a permanent state of happiness and always lead me to searching for something more. And always searching outside of myself.
I was lucky enough to find my way to yoga while sifting through all of these happiness solutions. I originally looked to it as a form of exercise that was kinder to my body than the abuse I had been putting it through at the gym. It also happened to make me feel better too. Pretty soon it was the only kind of exercising I was doing. Taking all these yoga classes, I saw all these beautiful, blissed-out yogis teaching all my classes and I wanted some of what they had. I wanted to be a blissful, glowy yogi too! So I decided to go further with my yoga practice - to start understanding and applying the more spiritual aspects rather than just the physical.
And this is when real change started to happen. When I started setting aside some of my attachments to who I thought I was - the stories I told myself and the world to explain why my life was so hard - I was nervous that I would lose who I *really* was. Which I thought was the sad girl that I had become so comfortable being. But instead of losing an essential part of myself (which is what I had convinced myself all this misery and anger was), I started to look at where this identity had come from. And I began to realise that none of it was my true nature - these parts of my personality were all external to who I really am. Through yoga - especially meditation - I was able start seeing things as they actually are, not how I had just always assumed they are.
This is the real magic, and arguably the purpose, of yoga: self-realisation through looking inward - not to those things that are external to us - and, ultimately, attaining an infinite state of peace.
Obviously, I have a long way to go on this path. I am only just beginning to move away from identifying myself with my limitations and from trying to find happiness through external means. But I am already noticing positive shifts. I am calmer. I am able to deal with change without as much anxiety. I don't obsess over the negatives and dismiss the positives.
Things are looking up, and my journey has only just begun!!
Namaste xox
Say whaaat? Let me explain.
For many years, I was "the angry girl". I am pretty sure it started off just as a defence mechanism, carefully constructed so I could survive high school. And it was successful in achieving this. Basically, I would respond to my detractors - some bullies (including some teachers) but also I am guessing a few kids who may have been genuinely nice but who I hastily assessed as being hostile - with bitchy, acerbic comebacks. And to avoid them bothering me at all, I took on a generally a moody/ angry disposition. I had some friends, but even they were kept at a bit of a distance and treated them with suspicion - because I never fully believed that they actually liked me. I figured I must have served some secondary purpose for their own high school survival. And that was fine by me.
High school can be a tough time. And just getting out the other end in one piece is a sign of success. But, unfortunately, I started to forget that I had created this identity (angry, sarcastic, depressed, dark etc etc) and it became a big part of who I thought I was.
 |
| Me as a teen - getting my angst on! |
When bad things happened in my life, it reinforced my negative outlook and my general distrust of people. When good - even great! - things happened to me, whether in my relationships, study, work or whatever, I always assumed they were flukes and they were temporary. I actually believed if too many good things were happening, then something really bad was coming just around the corner. So I could never enjoy the good. It just made me feel even more uneasy and anxious about my life.
As weird as it might seem, I wanted to stay feeling this way. I wanted to feel sad, depressed, angry or dissatisfied. This was what felt comfortable and familiar. Even though it wasn't serving me, I always found ways to bring me back to the same place.
While this might have been familiar and comfortable for me, as I am sure you can imagine, it was not a happy way to live a life! But I told myself, and everyone else that is just who I am. And so I continued.
Until I finally I had enough. I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Or anxious. Or bitchy. I wanted to be happy, damn it!!!
To begin with, I searched for happiness in the usual ways - looking for quick-fixes through self-help books, food, excessive exercising, buying shiny things, searching for "success" at work. But the problem with quick-fixes is that their effects are quick too - they never created a permanent state of happiness and always lead me to searching for something more. And always searching outside of myself.
I was lucky enough to find my way to yoga while sifting through all of these happiness solutions. I originally looked to it as a form of exercise that was kinder to my body than the abuse I had been putting it through at the gym. It also happened to make me feel better too. Pretty soon it was the only kind of exercising I was doing. Taking all these yoga classes, I saw all these beautiful, blissed-out yogis teaching all my classes and I wanted some of what they had. I wanted to be a blissful, glowy yogi too! So I decided to go further with my yoga practice - to start understanding and applying the more spiritual aspects rather than just the physical.
 |
| Me on yoga - all the happy! |
And this is when real change started to happen. When I started setting aside some of my attachments to who I thought I was - the stories I told myself and the world to explain why my life was so hard - I was nervous that I would lose who I *really* was. Which I thought was the sad girl that I had become so comfortable being. But instead of losing an essential part of myself (which is what I had convinced myself all this misery and anger was), I started to look at where this identity had come from. And I began to realise that none of it was my true nature - these parts of my personality were all external to who I really am. Through yoga - especially meditation - I was able start seeing things as they actually are, not how I had just always assumed they are.
This is the real magic, and arguably the purpose, of yoga: self-realisation through looking inward - not to those things that are external to us - and, ultimately, attaining an infinite state of peace.
Obviously, I have a long way to go on this path. I am only just beginning to move away from identifying myself with my limitations and from trying to find happiness through external means. But I am already noticing positive shifts. I am calmer. I am able to deal with change without as much anxiety. I don't obsess over the negatives and dismiss the positives.
Things are looking up, and my journey has only just begun!!
Namaste xox
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