Losing my identity

So I am slowly starting to lose my identity. And honestly, this is a good thing.

Say whaaat? Let me explain.

For many years, I was "the angry girl". I am pretty sure it started off just as a defence mechanism, carefully constructed so I could survive high school. And it was successful in achieving this. Basically, I would respond to my detractors - some bullies (including some teachers) but also I am guessing a few kids who may have been genuinely nice but who I hastily assessed as being hostile - with bitchy, acerbic comebacks. And to avoid them bothering me at all, I took on a generally a moody/ angry disposition. I had some friends, but even they were kept at a bit of a distance and treated them with suspicion - because I never fully believed that they actually liked me. I figured I must have served some secondary purpose for their own high school survival. And that was fine by me.

High school can be a tough time. And just getting out the other end in one piece is a sign of success. But, unfortunately, I started to forget that I had created this identity (angry, sarcastic, depressed, dark etc etc) and it became a big part of who I thought I was.

Me as a teen - getting my angst on!

When bad things happened in my life, it reinforced my negative outlook and my general distrust of people. When good - even great! - things happened to me, whether in my relationships, study, work or whatever, I always assumed they were flukes and they were temporary.  I actually believed if too many good things were happening, then something really bad was coming just around the corner. So I could never enjoy the good. It just made me feel even more uneasy and anxious about my life.

As weird as it might seem, I wanted to stay feeling this way. I wanted to feel sad, depressed, angry or dissatisfied. This was what felt comfortable and familiar. Even though it wasn't serving me, I always found ways to bring me back to the same place.

While this might have been familiar and comfortable for me, as I am sure you can imagine, it was not a happy way to live a life! But I told myself, and everyone else that is just who I am. And so I continued.

Until I finally I had enough. I didn't want to be miserable anymore. Or anxious. Or bitchy. I wanted to be happy, damn it!!!

To begin with, I searched for happiness in the usual ways - looking for quick-fixes through self-help books, food, excessive exercising, buying shiny things, searching for "success" at work. But the problem with quick-fixes is that their effects are quick too - they never created a permanent state of happiness and always lead me to searching for something more. And always searching outside of myself.

I was lucky enough to find my way to yoga while sifting through all of these happiness solutions. I originally looked to it as a form of exercise that was kinder to my body than the abuse I had been putting it through at the gym. It also happened to make me feel better too. Pretty soon it was the only kind of exercising I was doing. Taking all these yoga classes, I saw all these beautiful, blissed-out yogis teaching all my classes and I wanted some of what they had. I wanted to be a blissful, glowy yogi too!  So I decided to go further with my yoga practice - to start understanding and applying the more spiritual aspects rather than just the physical.

Me on yoga - all the happy!

And this is when real change started to happen. When I started setting aside some of my attachments to who I thought I was -  the stories I told myself and the world to explain why my life was so hard - I was nervous that I would lose who I *really* was. Which I thought was the sad girl that I had become so comfortable being. But instead of losing an essential part of myself (which is what I had convinced myself all this misery and anger was), I started to look at where this identity had come from. And I began to realise that none of it was my true nature - these parts of my personality were all external to who I really am. Through yoga - especially meditation - I was able start seeing things as they actually are, not how I had just always assumed they are.

This is the real magic, and arguably the purpose, of yoga: self-realisation through looking inward - not to those things that are external to us - and, ultimately, attaining an infinite state of peace.

Obviously, I have a long way to go on this path. I am only just beginning to move away from identifying myself with my limitations and from trying to find happiness through external means. But I am already noticing positive shifts. I am calmer. I am able to deal with change without as much anxiety. I don't obsess over the negatives and dismiss the positives.

Things are looking up, and my journey has only just begun!!

Namaste xox

Up for the challenge?

Have you seen this great TED Talk by Matt Cuts where he asks us to try something new for 30 days?

The idea of committing to something for a month - whether it be growing a moustache or not drinking - is not exactly new. But watching this talk really inspired me.

I always have these grand - and some not so grand - plans in my head: things I have always wanted to do, habits I have wanted to break, routines that I have wanted to start. There are always so many of them, though, that I often feel too overwhelmed and end up doing none of them. Or if I do start them, I do it in a half-arsed way.

That is why this talk makes so much sense. You just pick one thing and then you commit yourself to it for the next 30 days. And then the next month, you can choose something different.

The great thing about 30 days is it is short enough not to intimidate, but it is long enough to start making a real change in your life. (Or, if it doesn't work out, you haven't really wasted that much time either.)

So how transformative can one month be?

Well, it was because of a 30 day challenge that I set myself 2 years ago that I was able to make the shift from vegetarian to vegan. I had made a couple of previous attempts at going vegan. Each time I started, I assumed it was the beginning of a life-long change. And I would go ok for a week or so, but then something would come up - I would be at an event where I had forgotten to tell people I my dietary requirements, or I was eating out with friends and there weren't any vegan options on the menu (I now know better than to just rely on menus and always ask restaurants what they can do for me or I ask them to change an existing vegetarian meal by ditching the cheese). Whatever it was, it suddenly all seemed to hard, I would start making exceptions (only when I eat out) or excuses (it is just too hard) and then I would be back to where I began.

But, when I decided in 2011 that I would eat only plant-based for the whole of July, there was no need for excuses or exceptions. Because giving up eggs and dairy for 30 days (or 31 in my case) didn't seem like that big of a deal. And because I wasn't stressed about it, I was able to enjoy the experience. I ordered my first ever vegan pizza, found vegan cupcakes and tried vegan chocolate and I also started asking cafes and restaurants to make things vegan for me. And by August, it was done. I was a vegan!

Once you realise that vegan chocolate exists - and is delicious, it isn't so hard.

With today being the first day of spring, I felt inspired to set myself a new challenge. I have decided to make September all about yoga (surprise!). Given that I will be a qualified yoga teacher by the end of October (fingers crossed), I want to put a nice, regular yoga practice into place so that I will have a strong platform to build on when I start teaching.

So, for each day in September I will be doing at least 45 minute asana practice and 10 minutes of meditation. My intention is to wake up earlier to get my practice done before the day even starts. But even if I don't manage that, I will be doing it before I go to bed. Every. Day. For 30 days.

Sadly, I won't be yoga-ing with these views every morning :(

Wish me luck! I will be giving updates on my Facebook page if you want to follow along. And feel free to join in - I would love to hear from others about their successes and experiences!

Namaste xox