Something happened in my life last year that probably should have caused me to have a major emotional meltdown. And, if I am honest, for a few days it kinda did.
It was one of those knock-you-on-your-arse, punch-you-in-the-guts kind of ordeals that shakes your confidence and really makes you start to question your self-worth.
Nasty.
And it probably would have totally flattened me for months - maybe even years - if it had happened any earlier in my life. But instead, I bounced back incredibly quickly. Like - in less than a week.
This is because, lucky for me, it all happened while I was in the middle of two things:
It was one of those knock-you-on-your-arse, punch-you-in-the-guts kind of ordeals that shakes your confidence and really makes you start to question your self-worth.
Nasty.
And it probably would have totally flattened me for months - maybe even years - if it had happened any earlier in my life. But instead, I bounced back incredibly quickly. Like - in less than a week.
This is because, lucky for me, it all happened while I was in the middle of two things:
- My yoga teacher training (in fact, the day after it happened, I spent the weekend in intensive training with my gorgeous fellow yogis); and
- Reading the book "Spirit Junkie" by Gabrielle Bernstein.
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| Source: www.amazon.com |
So instead of falling into a down spiral of funky badness, when I was confronted with this moment, I was prepared for it. Instead of letting this thing that was happening to me, however crappy, take me down, I was able to deal with it in a way that left me feeling ok. Look - I am not over the moon about it and I would have preferred if it hadn't happened at all - but have moved on. In fact, a lot of positive things have happened as a result that make me think that it was something that just *had* to happen so that I could move on to the next stage of my life.
Aside from recommending that you undertake a yoga teacher training and reading Gabrielle's book yourself (ok - maybe reading the book is more doable in the short-to-medium term - but BOTH have changed my life for the better so it will be a great start).
I thought I would share some of the key insights that these gave me though to help me recover so quickly and to actually come out the other end feeling stronger and more sure of myself.
1. Let yourself feel
With life moving so fast, it can be really tempting to just shut down your emotions when something bad happens so that you can just keep going. We seldom have the luxury of time to allow ourselves to be absorbed in how we are feeling about a negative situation. Whether you tell yourself to "keep your chin up" or to "harden the f**k up", these are all ways that we tell ourselves that our emotions should be pushed aside.
But just telling yourself that you are fine doesn't actually make the feelings go away. And until you acknowledge how a situation has made you feel, it is impossible to get past it.
This isn't to say that you should drop everything in the middle of the office and chuck a total wobbly or disintegrate into a blubbering mess. But when you do have the time and space (and if this isn't looking likely make the time and space), let yourself feel all the emotions that have bubbled up. Cry. Be angry. Vent your frustrations out in a journal or to someone you can trust. Just let it all out.
But don't stay in this place too long. This ceases to be useful if you just dwell in a place of self-pity. So get it all out and then start to look at what you need to do next.
2. Recognise what is true
This is crucial to help you avoid a total downward spiral. Once you have allowed your emotions to appear and sat with them for a while, take note of those thoughts that keep coming up over and over. Meditate on them Write each one down on the top of a piece of paper. Underneath each one, jot down any thoughts that come up around them. Really deconstruct each one. And once you've got it all written out, read it back and try to read it as though a friend had written it all out. What would you say to a friend who was having these thoughts?
Chances are, you would tell your friend that a lot of these thoughts aren't real. That they are based on false assumptions, catastrophising (giving too much weight to worst possible outcomes, even though they are unlikely to ever eventuate) or negative thoughts about your self-worth. Which is totally normal when you are going through something bad - but if you don't get a handle on these thoughts early on, it can be hard to regain perspective and they start to seem like your reality - and may even become your reality if you give them too much attention.
Once you get a hold of what is real and what is not, whenever one of the negative thoughts comes up, resist the urge to ruminate on it and start to challenge what it is saying by using the words that you would say to your friend in the same situation. Eventually, the thoughts will lose their power until they stop showing up at all.
3. Surround yourself with good people
This is great advice at any time - but is especially important when you are going through a tough time. First of all, they will help you fight the negative, untrue thoughts that come up. They will also remind you how awesome you are and how whatever it is you are going through is just temporary. They will let you cry, let you get angry, give you sage advice, distract you, make you laugh - all those good things.
But for the time being, maybe say "no" to meeting up with that overly negative or competitive friend (or maybe, more accurately, "frenemy"). Trust me - you might feel a twinge of guilt when you turn them down, but now is the time to be there for yourself. So ditch the guilt, and put yourself first. Seriously.
4. Forgive - no matter how ridiculous that seems
While the other steps all helped me a lot, this one was probably key to me getting back up again after being smacked to the ground. And this is the one thing that I had never thought of doing before. Usually, I would blame myself or I would blame someone else. And I thought that was a good thing. Because it has to be someone's fault, right?
Well, maybe. And maybe not. But most importantly, it just doesn't matter. I'm going to repeat that because it is super important: It. Doesn't. Matter.
Gabrielle Bernstein swears by forgiveness to help you move forward. In her own words: "Rather than continuing to play the role of victim, we can forgive and be set free. With each choice to forgive, we shift our perception from fear to love."
Being angry or blaming someone else doesn't actually bring you any peace or make you feel better. And it has zero impact on the person that you are angry at. So what do you have to lose? Instead of holding on to these negative emotions, just release the person from your anger. You don't have to do it in person (that might actually be counterproductive). In Spirit Junkie, there is a meditation that you can use to help you visualise the person (or yourself) and start to breakdown the emotions that you are feeling towards them. You start to accept the situation for what it is (you don't have to take on the blame if you didn't do anything wrong - it is about releasing the other person, not saying sorry) and just let it go. Again - you might have to work on this for a while, but by shifting the way you think about the situation, you can actually start to heal and move on.
5. Shift your focus to the rest of your life
When something bad happens in our lives, it tends to suck up all of our energy. And while this is fine for a while, it you keep feeding the situation with all of your time and attention, it can be difficult to find a way out. So once you start to heal (using the tips above), start to refocus on all of those amazing things in your life. Don't think they exist? I am betting they do, but until you are in a place to see them, why not create something amazing in your life? Take a course, try a new sport, book a holiday, paint, dance, write - whatever will make your heart sing will also start to heal your pain.
I hope the above tips are helpful. I don't mean to make it all sound so easy - I know that it isn't. And it sucks!!! But by taking control and having a plan to get yourself back on top, you will be in a much better place than if you just let yourself get swept away by sadness and/ or anger.
Namatse my lovelies xox
I thought I would share some of the key insights that these gave me though to help me recover so quickly and to actually come out the other end feeling stronger and more sure of myself.
1. Let yourself feel
With life moving so fast, it can be really tempting to just shut down your emotions when something bad happens so that you can just keep going. We seldom have the luxury of time to allow ourselves to be absorbed in how we are feeling about a negative situation. Whether you tell yourself to "keep your chin up" or to "harden the f**k up", these are all ways that we tell ourselves that our emotions should be pushed aside.
But just telling yourself that you are fine doesn't actually make the feelings go away. And until you acknowledge how a situation has made you feel, it is impossible to get past it.
This isn't to say that you should drop everything in the middle of the office and chuck a total wobbly or disintegrate into a blubbering mess. But when you do have the time and space (and if this isn't looking likely make the time and space), let yourself feel all the emotions that have bubbled up. Cry. Be angry. Vent your frustrations out in a journal or to someone you can trust. Just let it all out.
But don't stay in this place too long. This ceases to be useful if you just dwell in a place of self-pity. So get it all out and then start to look at what you need to do next.
2. Recognise what is true
This is crucial to help you avoid a total downward spiral. Once you have allowed your emotions to appear and sat with them for a while, take note of those thoughts that keep coming up over and over. Meditate on them Write each one down on the top of a piece of paper. Underneath each one, jot down any thoughts that come up around them. Really deconstruct each one. And once you've got it all written out, read it back and try to read it as though a friend had written it all out. What would you say to a friend who was having these thoughts?
Chances are, you would tell your friend that a lot of these thoughts aren't real. That they are based on false assumptions, catastrophising (giving too much weight to worst possible outcomes, even though they are unlikely to ever eventuate) or negative thoughts about your self-worth. Which is totally normal when you are going through something bad - but if you don't get a handle on these thoughts early on, it can be hard to regain perspective and they start to seem like your reality - and may even become your reality if you give them too much attention.
Once you get a hold of what is real and what is not, whenever one of the negative thoughts comes up, resist the urge to ruminate on it and start to challenge what it is saying by using the words that you would say to your friend in the same situation. Eventually, the thoughts will lose their power until they stop showing up at all.
3. Surround yourself with good people
This is great advice at any time - but is especially important when you are going through a tough time. First of all, they will help you fight the negative, untrue thoughts that come up. They will also remind you how awesome you are and how whatever it is you are going through is just temporary. They will let you cry, let you get angry, give you sage advice, distract you, make you laugh - all those good things.
But for the time being, maybe say "no" to meeting up with that overly negative or competitive friend (or maybe, more accurately, "frenemy"). Trust me - you might feel a twinge of guilt when you turn them down, but now is the time to be there for yourself. So ditch the guilt, and put yourself first. Seriously.
4. Forgive - no matter how ridiculous that seems
While the other steps all helped me a lot, this one was probably key to me getting back up again after being smacked to the ground. And this is the one thing that I had never thought of doing before. Usually, I would blame myself or I would blame someone else. And I thought that was a good thing. Because it has to be someone's fault, right?
Well, maybe. And maybe not. But most importantly, it just doesn't matter. I'm going to repeat that because it is super important: It. Doesn't. Matter.
Gabrielle Bernstein swears by forgiveness to help you move forward. In her own words: "Rather than continuing to play the role of victim, we can forgive and be set free. With each choice to forgive, we shift our perception from fear to love."
Being angry or blaming someone else doesn't actually bring you any peace or make you feel better. And it has zero impact on the person that you are angry at. So what do you have to lose? Instead of holding on to these negative emotions, just release the person from your anger. You don't have to do it in person (that might actually be counterproductive). In Spirit Junkie, there is a meditation that you can use to help you visualise the person (or yourself) and start to breakdown the emotions that you are feeling towards them. You start to accept the situation for what it is (you don't have to take on the blame if you didn't do anything wrong - it is about releasing the other person, not saying sorry) and just let it go. Again - you might have to work on this for a while, but by shifting the way you think about the situation, you can actually start to heal and move on.
5. Shift your focus to the rest of your life
When something bad happens in our lives, it tends to suck up all of our energy. And while this is fine for a while, it you keep feeding the situation with all of your time and attention, it can be difficult to find a way out. So once you start to heal (using the tips above), start to refocus on all of those amazing things in your life. Don't think they exist? I am betting they do, but until you are in a place to see them, why not create something amazing in your life? Take a course, try a new sport, book a holiday, paint, dance, write - whatever will make your heart sing will also start to heal your pain.
I hope the above tips are helpful. I don't mean to make it all sound so easy - I know that it isn't. And it sucks!!! But by taking control and having a plan to get yourself back on top, you will be in a much better place than if you just let yourself get swept away by sadness and/ or anger.
Namatse my lovelies xox
